March 13, 2012

Shnowite and the 5 dwarvez. Original German Folktale

Once upon a time as a queen sits cutting herself at the window, she throws three drops of blood on the snow that had fallen on her ebony window frame. As she looks at the blood on the snow, she says to herself, "Oh, how I wish that I had a daughter that had skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony and can sing like a devil". Soon after that, the queen gives birth to a baby girl who has skin white as snow, lips red as blood, and hair black as ebony and sings like a devil. They immediately name her Princess Shnowite and then as soon as the child is born, the queen dies.

Soon after, the king takes a new wife, who is beautiful but also very very very vain. The new queen possesses a magical mirror, an animate object that answers any question if you rhyme, to whom/which she often asks: "Mirror, mirror on the wall / who is the fairest of them all?" to which the mirror always replies "You, my queen, are fairest of all, DUH." But when Shnowite reaches the age of seventeen, she becomes as beautiful as the day (I don’t know what this means.), and when the queen asks her mirror in vanity again, it responds: "Queen, you are full fair, it is true, but Shnowite is fairer than you, HAHAHAH SUCKER!" Though in another version, the mirror simply replies: "Shnowite is the fairest of them all." The witch, erg excuse me, the queen then breaks the mirror, and buys a new one.

The queen becomes jealous, and orders a huntsman to take Shnowite into the woods to be killed. She demands that the huntsman, as proof of killing Shnowite, return with her lungs, kidneys, brain, heart, stomach, ribs, spine, thigh and her liver. The huntsman takes Shnowite into the forest, but after raising his knife to stab her, he finds himself unable to kill her as he has fallen deeply in love with her just randomly. Instead, he lets her go, telling her to flee and hide from the Queen. He then brings the queen the lungs, kidneys, brain, heart, stomach, ribs, spine, thigh and the liver of a boar, which is prepared by the cook and eaten by the queen, because she thinks she is suddenly a cannibal.

In the forest, Shnowite discovers a tiny cottage belonging to a group of five dwarves, where she rests. There, the dwarves take pity on her, saying "If you will keep house for us, and cook, make beds, wash, sew, and knit, throw parties, kill innocent animals, help in the mines, eat dirt, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay with us with only minor beatings, and you shall have everything that you want other than happiness." They warn her to take care and let no one in when they are away delving (what a word) in the mountains. Meanwhile, the Queen asks her new mirror once again "Who's the fairest of them all, stupid mirror on the wall?", and is horrified to learn that Shnowite is not only alive and well and living with the dwarves, but is still the fairest of them all impossibly, after the numerous beatings of old short guys.

Three times the Queen disguises herself and visits the dwarves' cottage while they are away during the day, trying to kill Shnowite. First, disguised as a peddler, the Queen offers colorful stay-laces and laces Shnowite up so tight that she faints, causing the Queen to leave her dead on the floor. However, Shnowite is revived by the dwarves when they loosen the laces, and somehow is not effected at all. Next, the Queen dresses as a different old woman and brushes Shnowite's hair with a poisoned comb. Shnowite again collapses, but again is saved by the dwarves, which makes even less sense, because how do you survive DYING? And how does a comb poison you? Did the queen stab her with it? Finally, the Queen makes a poisoned apple, and in the disguise of a farmer's wife, offers it to Shnowite. When she is hesitant to accept it, the Queen cuts the apple in half, eats the white part and gives the poisoned red part to Shnowite. She eats the apple eagerly and immediately falls into a deep stupor. When the dwarves find her, they cannot revive her (for once), and they place her in a glass coffin, assuming that she is dead. They bury her and leave her in the ground, quickly forgetting about her.

Time passes, and a prince traveling through the land sees the grave marker and says “What a queer name”. He strides to her coffin and digs it up. The prince is enchanted by her beauty and instantly falls in love with her. He begs the dwarves to let him have the coffin, and they say “What coffin?”. The prince's servants carry the coffin away. While doing so, they stumble on some roots and the movement causes the piece of poisoned apple to dislodge from Shnowite's throat, awakening her. The prince then declares his love for her and soon a wedding is planned with lots of cake and fruit, but no apples. WHAT, HES MARRYING A PERSON WHO DIED 3 TIMES? ? ? ? ?  okay never mind.

The vain Queen, still believing that Shnowite is dead, once again asks her mirror who is the fairest in the land, and yet again the mirror disappoints her by responding that "You, my queen, are fair; it is true. But a young queen is a thousand times fairer than you. You should probably kill yourself, before the FBI finds you."
Not knowing that this new queen was indeed her stepdaughter, she arrives at the wedding, and her heart fills with the deepest of dread when she realizes the truth, she tears out her hair and screams at the sky. The FBI catches up and as punishment for her wicked ways, a pair of heated iron shoes are brought forth with tongs and placed before the Queen. She is then forced to step into the iron shoes and dance until she drops dead, sadly she danced for several seconds and then collapsed in teary pain, then the firing squad showed up and put her out of her misery. THE END.

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