Me Versus an Indescribable Foe!

Rule number 1: If your back tickles, kill the mosquito, before it kills you.

Me Versus an Indescribable Foe!

It all started out after I got a haircut. I was in the bathroom checking out my new hairdo when I saw a wavy form outside the window. I couldn't really see what it was because of the stupid blotted blue glass they use in restrooms. I hurried and dried my hair and jumped through the window to the recently mowed yard below. Wait! Revise: I hurried and dried the window and jumped through my yard below to the recently mowed hair.
I checked under all my blue spruces in my yard and around every lawn dart. But there was nothing that could have made such a big moving figure on the lawn.
"what the gnome?" I thought to myself. And then I was like: "But what if it dug a hole and got away?" And sure enough I found a huge 12 by 8 hole dug in the garden right where I had just planted a Cilantro Plant. "Right." I said.
I grabbed a flashlight and a pocketknife and jumped into the hole. Which was stupid. I forgot that its possible to dig down into the bedrock and not just sideways...
I estimated I fell for about 41 seconds, which ended up me landing 230 feet deep in a pool of muddy water. Immediately I was plunged in darkness when my flashlight sank to the bottom of the water tunnel. I swam around, stunned and in shock for a while. I regained my senses and swam to the edges of the hole trying to find a way out of this darkened dismal mud hole. I found nothing but rock.
"Oh crap." I said, swimming another circle to recheck.
I yelled for help and screamed but nothing.
I started panicking and kicked, but my foot didn't kick the wall, it kept going and I busted my hip on the edge of an underwater tunnel.
I didn't know If that went to anywhere, but I might have a chance of escaping if I swam down there. I took the deepest biggest breath ever in the History of Houdini.
I dove and swam through the hole, and I swam and swam and swam, and the tunnel curved up! And there was air! But it was still dark. but the tunnel walls weren't vertical and I climbed out onto a muddy service that I couldn't see.
I started my gradual accent upwards. Sloshing through who knows what in my white golf shoes.
And I finally saw light! I rushed towards it and... I was in a cave lit by a lantern sitting on a bucket. And that's all. No exit. Nobody.
I opened the bucket. It was full of iron bars each 3 feet long.
Then I had an idea. But I never got the chance cause I hand grabbed me and shoved me into the wall.
I was spun around and faced a large man with bushy facial features.
"What?" I said.
"I didn't say nothing." He growled.
"But why are you hurting me into the wall?"
"... You're in my cave."
"Okay bye." And I raced for the door, but I was still pinned on the wall, so I didn't get very far.
"Crap." I said and tried again, but I didn't get any farther.
I finally had to kill the man. REVISE: I finally bit the man and he let me go for a second and then charged me in his bold outrage of having teeth marks in his hairy knuckles. I dodged and he slammed into the wall. A huge portion of the wall collapsed and buried the man, so only his leather boots were sticking out.
Now since I was free. I reached into the bucket and pulled one of the bars out. I bent it, and then heated it in the lanternand stopped when it was white hot, and I scraped the edge off with my knife until it was sharp. I stuck the metal into the mud to cool. I repeated this until I had 4 sharp iron bars. I ripped my shirt and tied 2 of these to my shoes. The other 2 I had in my hands. I swam to the original hole and started climbing. It was tough work but I eventually made it to the top and pulled myself out into my garden. heavy breathing
I got off my flattened tomato plants and went inside.

So this was the day I killed a man in a cave protecting iron bars that were able to melt in a lantern and sharpen with a pocketknife. The iron was FAKE!

Nakehead ( pronounced 'naked' )

I got a haircut! Arg! Now I can't stab anyone with my well-polished spikes that all the Chicks in my Junior High adore. And I adored them too. It feels like my head is a giant bald spot.
I got a buzz (AKA torture) and I can't even draw my new hair style because it would only look like this:( except sideways. And with a bit of fuzz on top. I love fuzz. Especially peach fuzz. Because, you can't choke on peach fuzz; unlike normal fuzz. Do you know that a famous Greek guy choked on a single GOAT HAIR that was in his milk? Weird.

But now I have saved humanity, because I shaved my head, decreasing the hair amount above my mouth. And above most other people's mouths too.
I just thought of a SUPER WEAPON! An antigravity hair! That means you have to worry about hair below your mouth too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fear me.

"Pathetic." You said to your new bowling ball. But it didn't answer...

Uncle

This post is about my uncle. I am only doing this, because I can't lie to Taylor. I told him I would do a post on my uncle, so I must. (actually I was planning before my promise)

Here goes: My uncle has lived or journeyed in over 102 countries. He has his black belt (got it when he was 10) and is a professional Barber. He speaks Chinese and English and married a Filipino woman. He owns a sword and bit a muggers finger off. Here's him in Sao Paulo, Brazil:

Thanks.

He is very amazing. I love him. If you can guess his name in two guesses (as a comment on the blog) I will give you a silver dollar.